Sagely Advice for the Mighty Adventurer
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories will follow. Rated for language.
1. What the DM Won't Tell You

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** I am a second-generation D&D player. My father raised me on stories of the zany things that happened to his and his friends' characters over the years, and started me on version 3.5 when it debuted. Neither of us acknowledge the existence of version 4.0, being the D&D purists that we are. But it occured to me recently that there is a ton of lessons to be found in D&D, especially for new players who don't know what the hell they're doing yet. Hence, the existence of these tips. I might relate these tales in further chapters. The misadventures that inspired these stories are considered legend in both of the D&D groups I play with regularly.

Sagely Advice for the Mighty Adventurer (or What the Player's Guide and DM Won't Tell You)

1. It is most unwise to sleep with the villains.

2. If the druid wants to say that she is a rock, and is attempting to be a rock, please refrain from telling her that she is not a rock.

3. Not even if she is flying around on her giant bat and screaming something indeciperable at those below.

4. Also refrain from kicking her when she is trying to be a rock.

5. When accidentally summoning a goddess of death to your immediate presence, it is rude to stare at her.

6. Drooling is also considered uncouth.

7. Always check the parentage of your characters' long-term romantic partner. You could have a half-sibling and be completely unaware of this fact.

8. When presented with a golden, glowing box with two angels adorning the lid, do not open the lid. Doing so is extremely hazardous to your health.

9. If you bring about the apocalypse, you _will _be held accountable. Even if it is not your world's apocalypse.

10. Never remove your clothes and dance naked in the presence of royalty. The guards have no qualms about using their spears to create a human/elven/gnomish/dwarven/etc shish kabob.

11. If you come across a whip-wielding gnome named Endeeyana and there is a hog-tied, gagged female gnome with him named Miriam, do not remove the gag. The song is quite annoying and she never runs out of verses.

12. Never use weighed dice or D20s with four 20s, three 18s, three 17s, and no 1s. The DM will do terrible things to your next fifteen characters.

13. It is considered unwise to interrupt the wise old shaman while he is revealing the secret of fire as he lays dying. The members of your clan have every right to beat you with their clubs if you do.

14. Never pickpocket the court mage. You just don't know what is in those voluminous robes of his.

15. Always have your spell components sorted and organized. You do not want to be picking spiderweb out of your bat guano while a trio of freshly-slain trolls is busy regenerating and your companions have no torches.

16. Always double-check whatever spell component you are currently holding. You cannot banish a rampaging demon with an eyelash in gum arabic and a white feather.

17. Never use the elf-maiden's dildos for spell components. You will be deaf when she realizes what you're doing and unconscious after she knocks you out with the heaviest one.

18. If your character is a homophobe, it is ill-advised to get in an argument with the bisexual cleric of the goddess of love.

19. Particularly if said cleric has a +20 Perform Kiss, a +30 Perform Sex, and the DM is on a rolling streak.

20. Never refer to the NPC paladin as "Sir Stick-in-the-Ass."

21. When wearing Boots of Teleportation, it is considered unbelievably cliche to tap your heels three times and say "There's no race like gnome."

22. Never assume that the poor, helpless maiden/boy prince/young princess you have been paid to protect is actually helpless. There will come a time (repeatedly) when they will save all of your asses.

23. If your character's race is characterized by something odd, such as a floating head with no neck, it is advisable to hide this characteristic as best you can. People will remember you if something bad happens.

24. If one of your fellow PCs is a lumi (the aforementioned neckless race), please refrain from passing your hand between their head and shoulders at random intervals.

25. Do not carve your initials and those of your significant other into a dryad's tree. The mood will be completely spoiled.

26. Do not allow an NPC with the Reverse Gravity spell to become drunk. If he or she does, keep a firm grip on something firmly attached to the floor and hope the bartender is knocked out before the spell expires. You never have enough gold to cover the damages.

27. When entering a small, enclosed space, remember to spike the door and leave somebody outside. Nasty things happen in such places.

28. Especially when the dwarf is feeling naughty.

29. If your adventures take you to Candyland, keep in mind that too many sugary sweets will result in Fortitude checks.

30. Never annoy the extremist druids. If you do, and plants start reaching for you, do not assume it is to give you a hug.

31. If Borg ships begin appearing in the sky above the city, it is time to hit the road.

32. Never allow the halfling to swim in the River Styx or the River Lethos. He will either be reduced to a babbling idiot with the intelligence of a very stupid animal or suffer from permanent amnesia. Gods help you if he falls in both of them.

33. When touring Shadowdale, do not bad-mouth Elminister. The locals do not appreciate it and will immediately force you to mend your ways.

34. Depending on your surroundings, it is also unwise to speak ill of Count Strahd von Zarovich, Drizzt Do'Urden, the Lady Crysania, any matron mother, Gord, Iuz, Uncle Trapspringer, or King Azoun IV.

35. Always remember to change your undergarments after the day's events. It is no good rolling a natural 20 for both Hide and Move Silently if the target can smell you coming.

36. Do not steal from the faeries. You won't like them when they're angry.

37. Pissing off shapeshifters of any kind is most unwise.

38. If the only healer in the group asks you to chop off his hopelessly mangled, useless hands, stop being a wuss and chop off his hands! The new hands will actually be able to do something useful.

39. Never attempt to flirt with the handsome, evil priest about to sacrifice you to his patron demon lord. No matter how hot he is when he grins, it will not save you.

40. Do not deflower the king's only daughter, especially if she is betrothed to the prince of the kingdom with which her own has been at war for generations. The kingdoms will stop killing each other only to try and kill _you_.

41. Never turn your back on a drow child. Seriously, just don't do it. You will not live to regret it.

42. It is most unwise to moon mages and sorcerors.

43. Mocking the bard's voice is not a good idea.

44. Make friends with the cleric. They always heal their buddies first.

45. If the kobolds are summoning Demigorgon, you might want to apologize to the DM and make amends for whatever you did to piss him or her off. Groveling is a good tactic here.

46. If your character likes to sleep around, keep in mind that adventurers are not immune to parenthood.

47. If you did not heed that warning and your character is dungeon-crawling while in the last weeks of pregnancy, start hoping the DM does not make you roll a Save vs. Labor.

48. Do not zone out in the middle of a battle. You won't like the consequences.

49. Failing to pay attention at any time, actually, may result in your character suffering a terrible mishap such as being spontaneously teleported to one of the Nine Hells.

50. It doesn't matter how awesome your character is and how much you like them; traps are indiscriminatory.

51. Do not reach into strange bags without close examination. Some bags are known to bite.

52. Do not set fire to the elven forest.

53. Never attempt to bribe the DM.

54. Flipping off the gods is never a good idea. You want that finger to remain exactly where it is, don't you?

55. When planning to murder royalty, keep that information to yourself. Wandering around town chanting "we're going to kill the king!" will result in getting chased by the entirety of the palace guard.

56. If something speaks with you telepathically, do not reply out loud. The asylum always has a spare bed ready.

57. If the DM is smiling, you might want to start thinking about your next character.

58. If Jesus is an NPC in your campaign, he will not make a good look-out.

59. Always remember: the DM is a manipulative bastard who is trying to kill your characters. Do not expect mercy unless it somehow suits their needs.

60. Whatever happens in the gaming room, _stays _in the gaming room.

61. If your crush's character is interested in/dating/sleeping with your character, do not assume that means your crush is actually interested in _you_.

62. Do not trap the local children in a stone box.

63. Do not step out into the blackness. That first step is a doozy.

64. When the campaign leads you to our world, do not attempt anything that could result in genocide.

65. Pandemonium, Acheron, Limbo, and the Positive Energy Plane are not good tourist destinations. They are very lively, and will result in your death.

66. Do not attempt to out-sex the sex priest. Particularly if the priest in question has more than three hundred years of experience under his belt.

67. Use your luckiest die when rolling to clot.

68. Just because you have morphed something into a seemingly benign shape does not mean that you have rendered it harmless.

69. It is unwise to have two lawful good paladins in the same party. They will attempt to out-arrogant, out-preach, and out-smite each other on a daily basis.

70. Especially if they are of different faiths.

71. Paladins of differing alignments and creeds also mean headaches for the other characters.

72. A special-ed half-orc barbarian will kill anything for a pile of cookies.

73. When playing cavemen, it is ill-advised to leave your loincloth on while standing over the fire.

74. Never de-horn the unicorn.

75. Avoid becoming the demon's tether-ball at all costs.

76. Flirting with the DM will not get you anything but pain and misery in the end.

77. Also true with the DM's significant other. Times a thousand.

78. If you piss off the daimyo, beware of beautiful women in kimono.

79. Never tug on the dragon's wings.

80. When storming the castle, do not take inspiration from _The Princess Bride. _It will not work.

81. Let sleeping dragons lie. Also do not make off with their treasure unless you have a serious death-wish.

82. Do not cast Glitterdust and Faerie Fire at the same time. You will find that the total number of monsters in the area has multiplied quite suddenly.

83. Do not play Ding Dong Ditch on the wizard's tower. He _will _find you.

84. Casting Grease beneath a god's foot, while highly amusing, will only result in one very high price on your head.

85. Keep in mind that eating more than your fair share of the pizza may result in spontaneous LARPing.

86. Do not use the wizard's spellbook as toilet paper.

87. It is unwise to shave the dwarf.

88. If your character is drunk, inevitably that is when the village will be attacked.

89. Casting Stone to Mud on the entire castle is generally a bad idea.

90. Manipulating the samurai into committing sabuku without good reason could result in being targeted by ninjas.

91. Never trust an NPC who is always smiling.

92. Do not drop-kick the halfling, no matter how annoying he is.

93. Never attempt to bleach the drow.

94. When attempting to kill the king's killer, it is not a good idea to collapse the entire castle on his head. Especially while you are still in it.

95. While the monk is attacking, cinematic sound effects are not needed.

96. The traditional D&D character will not know what a gun is, nor will he or she ever run across one. Do not have your character equipped with some sort of gun when the campaign begins. This also applies to bazookas.

97. If somebody is attempting to climb in your window, do not assume they are there for romantic pursuits.

98. Do not use Prismatic Spray to extinguish a fire. If it affects it at all, you'll just end up making it worse.

99. If one of the PCs is evil and fond of the innocent little hyperactive virgin PC, it is ill-advised to go about making her a woman. Evil PCs are very creative in the uses of acid.

100. Do not use Thor's Hammer to repair the tumble-down shack of a poor leper.

101. In fact, never use a god's weapon for anything other than its intended purpose.

102. Do not use the demi-lich for a kickball.

103. If the puppy has more than one head, petting it is not a good idea. Even if it is described as the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.

104. If strange humans with bicolored uniforms and a triangular golden insignia suddenly materialize in your general vicinity, it is in your best interest to not attack them. This is especially true if one of them introduces himself as either Captain Jon-Luc Picard or Commander William Riker of the Starship _Enterprise_.

105. If the gods all wish to commit suicide, helping them could result in a nice promotion for you.

106. Never attempt a mutiny on a Spelljammer ship, no matter how much of a brainless bastard the captain is.

107. It is impossible to drown a sea elf. Those gills are not there just for show.

108. If you are playing a necrophiliac, it is best to keep this knowledge to yourself.

109. The gnome is not allowed to use nuclear explosives.

110. Do not, under any circumstances, steal Gandalf's hat.

111. When making a business agreement with a dracolich, always bring parchment and paper. If the dracolich in question is a red dracolich, you will want to make the document fireproof after you both have signed it.

112. It is possible to kill Tiamat with a critical hit + charge bonus using a holy lance while mounted on a warhorse. But just because it happened once does not mean it will ever happen again.

113. Always keep detailed maps when dungeon-crawling. If you are using a dry-erase board for this purpose, it is in your best interests to take the markers and eraser with you if you and the other players must leave the room without the DM.

114. If you enjoy taunting the DM and celebrating after a particularly difficult fight, remember that the DM holds your character's continued existence in his or her hands.

115. When the DM starts rolling dice without explanation, be very, _very _afraid.

116. Bitch-slapping the queen is never an option, despite what she said about you.

117. Do not flash the paladin.

118. Interrupting the villain in your campaign during his long-winded monologue is generally frowned upon, as you can use that time to think about ways of getting out of this mess.

119. If the DM creates an NPC they particularly enjoy and whom the players find particularly annoying, beware of repeated appearances at random times whenever they are running a campaign.

120. If you are battling both drow and kzinti at the same time, and they are both after your castle, you might want to consider a change of address.

121. Never, ever get involved in the Blood War.

122. Do not introduce the DM to video games the day before a session. You will find characters such as Sephiroth, Yuffie, Sora, and Master Chief suddenly appearing as NPCs in your campaign.

123. Theme music is unappreciated whenever a character's name is mentioned. The DM has duct tape for a reason.

124. It is not a good idea to name your weapons after weapons used by more famous characters, or to name your character after such characters. Being named 'Artemis Entreri' in Calimport, for example, may be rewarded with a visit from the real Artemis Entreri.

125. Your character may have the Raise Dead, Animate Dead, and/or Resurrect spell in his or her repetoire. However, it is unwise to use such spells without good reason. Gods of death do not like losing too many of the souls beneath their care.

126. A zombie follower, while amusing, will not be well-received by other PCs or NPCs, even if you have taught it how to talk. Best to put the poor thing out of its misery before the cleric turns it and it explodes.

127. Do not drink the Table Wine.

128. Do not play poker with a Deck of Many Things.

129. If you actually stop to think about what the hell is going on around you, your head will explode.

130. If you are looking for someone to keel-haul, the navigator is not on the list of viable people.

And last but certainly not least...

131. Dice are not meant to be used as projectiles.


	2. Stories with Morals 1

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** Here's the first of many tales from the gaming room. This character was retired long before I knew where my father went on Saturday nights, but he remains my sister's godfather's favorite character. Played in 2nd Edition AD&D, he had the most miserable luck of any paladin ever! Not to mention the most humiliating name ever... Oh, and Tip number 132 can be found in the reviews, courtesy of my friend teh maniac.

Stories with a Moral: Sir Henry Beanblossom the Third

Once upon a time there was a paladin named Sir Henry Beanblossom the Third. Sir Henry always referred to himself in the third person, and always by his full name (but in this retelling we shall refrain from such a reference as the narrator always found that unbelievably annoying). He was a very pious follower of some nameless God of Good, for his player could never remember exactly what the god's name was. Sir Henry was retired after the castle in which he and his party were staying was simultaneously attacked by a drow army personally led by Lolth the Spider Queen and an army of bloodthirsty, frenzied kzinti.

Nobody is quite sure exactly what happened to Sir Henry. Or his companions, for that matter.

Anyway, Sir Henry had terrible luck with dice rolls. The Almighty Dice Gods enjoyed screwing with his player's head on a regular basis. Many were the times when Sir Henry was desperately rolling for his life and the dice would bounce off the table only to land on the highest number possible for that particular die, and the DM would not count it since it did not stop on the table. Then when he would roll once more, the dice would fail him miserably. Sir Henry had to be Raised or Resurrected a grand total of sixty-seven times over the course of five years. The party would not allow him to permanently die because, despite his luck, Sir Henry was an excellent fighter and fantastic diplomat.

But where Sir Henry's luck was truly abominable was when it came to his weapons. On seventeen different occasions, the DM had Sir Henry roll a save to make sure his sword would not break during a fight or some other situation-oriented circumstance. On seventeen different occasions, the player rolled a 1. These were not the mundane blades you could find at any smithy or weapons shop, either. These were powerful magical artifacts that he kept shattering. Three blades stand out as being especially painful losses: the magical sword given to him by his father, Sir Henry Beanblossom the Second, a vorpal blade (that one apparently shattered just because he hit a rock instead of the lich), and the Holy Avenger (come to think of it, Sir Henry ran across two Holy Avengers over the course of his life. Neither of them lasted beyond three months, game-time). It was so commonplace that the other members of the group would actually tell him it was time to get a new sword when the DM told him to roll. Sir Henry would not carry more than one sword on his person until the third year of his existence, which led to one memorable incident when he broke first one sword, and then a second one in the same fight. One would think such weapons beyond breaking without warning.

Sir Henry was just lucky that way.

When Sir Henry's character sheet was finally retired, a new house rule was installed by his player's group. Magical weapons were immune to the breaking rules, _especially _vorpal blades and the Holy Avenger. The tale of Sir Henry was told to the next generation of wide-eyed adventurers as a cautionary story of what can happen when a player has broken a mirror shortly before rolling up a new character. It was also related for humor.

_The moral of the story is..._

Tip 133: Magical weapons are not immune to breaking. Be extremely careful that you are using them correctly, and if the DM makes you roll a Save vs. Shatter, use your most lucky D20. Making an offering to the Dice Gods is highly recommended as well.


	3. Stories with Morals 2

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** This is the story behind Tip Number 99. The game in which these characters were involved only ran for a month (intentionally, since my college has a month when students can take special classes, do internships, or go on organized trips abroad. Those of us left behind on our specialty hall take the opportunity to play a short D&D game independent of the year's campaign), but it is is reknowned for several events that are quite extraordinary. This is but one of them.

Stories with a Moral: Syldaen and Arccadia

Once upon a time there was a pair of half-breeds. One of them was a half copper dragon, half drow (he was conceived when his mother raped his father, another of the player's characters who was punished for some mishap against the gods by being trapped in human form) cleric/mage named Syldaen. The other was a half satyr, half nymph (her mother was the ultimate prudish bitch, but finally agreed to wed the satyr and learned to enjoy sexual relations after about ten years of marriage) servant of Sigil's Lady of Pain. Her name was Arccadia. Syldaen was evil and quiet. Arccadia was good and hyper.

They met when they were ordered to retrieve a Deck of Many Things from a fellow named Sisan in a city of yuan-ti, and to kill him. Over the course of the adventure, Syldaen grew a soft spot for Arccadia. She, however, failed to notice this friendly affection.

One of the people the party met in the city was a gay yuan-ti named Tim. Tim was extremely timid and easily frightened, but he was still a member of the city guard. Tim was a favorite NPC of the DM, and would often show up at random times. When the party was in the library, trying to pry up the trapdoor they had found in the hopes that it would lead them to Sisan (it did), Arccadia found Tim in the pornography section. She decided to distract him by asking him about "the act of mating." Tim, of course, was blushing and stammering and quite ashamed. But he complied and told her everything about sex both heterosexual and homosexual. He even suggested that Arccadia have her reproductive tract reformatted so she could lay eggs, as that was a far more efficient way of producing children than live birth.

Later that night, after the party had recovered Sisan and found out exactly why their employer wanted the Deck of Many Things, they all proceeded to get drunk. Well, most of them. Some characters eschewed the bottle in favor of other pursuits. Arccadia and Tim became quite drunk. Syldaen, after a time, became curious as to her whereabouts since they had just disappeared. When he found out where Arccadia was, who she was with, and what she was doing, he became quite angry. After accidentally barging in upon the narrator's character and her man of the night, he finally found Arccadia and Tim. Tim, evidently, was prone to going heterosexual when he was drunk.

Realizing that he was a bit too late to stop them, he decided to punish Tim for deflowering the girl. He grabbed him by the shoulder and plane-shifted to the Ethereal Plane. There, he utilized his acid breath and dripped acid upon Tim whenever Tim did not answer a question to his satisfaction. Tim lost several hit points before he remembered exactly what he had been doing. Syldaen decided to punish him by placing a geas upon him. The geas dictated that Tim kill his brother and present him with the head. Running away would only result in teleporation back into the city, right in front of his brother.

Tim attempted to commit suicide. Arccadia stopped him before he could. Syldaen modified the geas so that he was physically incapable of committing suicide.

Tim was left wishing he had killed himself when Arccadia's mother showed up, fully aware of what he had done to her daughter.

_Hence _tip number 99: If one of the PCs is evil and fond of the innocent little hyperactive virgin PC, it is ill-advised to go about making her a woman. Evil PCs are very creative in the uses of acid.


	4. Stories with Morals 3

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** My father is a big fan of quirky NPCs. He was the man in charge of the five-year campaign Sir Henry was playing in, and whenever he DMs he always manages to bring in NPCs that are, to say the least, memorable. I remember he told me once about a talking zombie-orc that followed the PCs around, just moaning about something and begging on its knees whenever they tried to deal with it. The zombie-orc didn't want brains or anything, it just wanted a friend. They finally lost it when its leg fell off and it couldn't follow them anymore. The NPC you are about to meet, however, is his all-time favorite creation. Dad had the PCs randomly encounter him many times during the five-year campaign, and when he DM'ed my first Greyhawk campaign he showed up _again_ to help our lowly first-level characters fight off some vicious rocs. And so, without further ado, here is the NPC that always prompts both laughter and disbelieving groans wherever he may appear!

Stories with a Moral: the Gnome with a Theme Song

Once upon a time, in the world of Oerth, there was a party of level fifteen adventurers. It was very cold and the freezing wind pierced the seams of their armor, unerringly finding the shivering flesh beneath. Ice and snow had scraped their faces raw and caked their hair. They found an inn after wandering around in a strange village for what seemed like hours, and hurriedly went in.

The inn was warm and inviting, a fire blazing merrily in the hearth. Beautiful serving wenches wove between the tables, delivering foaming mugs to the inn's patrons. Few were present, and none paid any heed to the party's arrival. The party's fighter and assassin went to procure rooms, a warm meal, and ale to ward off the bone-deep chill suffusing their bodies. The elven sorceress hurried over to the fire, fretting over her spellbooks. The cleric and paladin (Sir Henry) took in the people so unwilling to venture outdoors on that cold winter's night.

Most were nondescript and unworthy of further inspection. But at one table, close to the hearth, was a most extraordinary pair of gnomes. Sitting in a chair and drinking a pint was a male with short brown hair, dressed in a white shirt and brown trousers, a brown cloak hanging from the back of the chair. Upon the table was a brown leather hat with a darker band. A neatly-coiled whip hung from the gnome's belt. Sitting on the floor beside the table was a female gnome, her eyes sparkling from behind a curtain of curly brown hair. She was bound by thick rope, almost cocooned by the loops, a dirty gag tied tightly behind her head. The male was unconcerned by her state, staring into the fire as she wiggled and whimpered every now and then.

Naturally, the cleric and paladin were alarmed and suspicious. They approached the pair and inquired as to why the female was tied up. The male gave them a measured look. "So she won't get into trouble." This led to an inquiry as to why she was gagged. "To shut her up" was the reply. The paladin asked what his intentions were for the female. The male stated "she keeps following me around and getting into trouble. I can't get rid of her." When they demanded that he remove the gag and release her, his advice was as follows: "I wouldn't do that if I were you." With that, he returned to his drink.

The paladin and cleric ignored the male's advice and untied the gag. The moment it fell away, the female took a deep breath...and started to sing:

_Endeeyanah! He's a gnome!  
__Endeeyanah! He will save us!  
__And protect our homes!  
__Beat the kobolds,  
__EVERY TIME!!  
__He will stop them, and drop them, and bop them,  
__And anything else that rhymes!_

This continued for several minutes, in different verses, and as one the mortified cleric and paladin labored to shove the gag into her mouth and re-tie it. The gnome, Endeeyanah, merely said "I warned you" and took another deep draught of his mug.

The pair of gnomes were to appear several times over the course of their adventures. The female, Miriam, would always sing her song if the gag was removed. Endeeyanah, for reasons unknown, would always retrieve her if she somehow got into trouble. He had an enemy-gnome whose name was Wanalon, who enjoyed kidnapping Miriam and riding away on his flying carpet. There was one truly surreal moment in the party's adventures when they were traveling along the road when a flying carpet zoomed directly overhead, followed closely by a silver dragon ridden by a whip-cracking figure. From the carpet came the infamous song, as always at the highest volume possible. When they had disappeared behind the hills, the party simply exchanged looks, shrugged, and continued on their way.

_Hence Tip number 11: _If you come across a whip-wielding gnome named Endeeyanah and there is a hog-tied, gagged female gnome with him named Miriam, do not remove the gag. The song is quite annoying and she never runs out of verses.


	5. Stories with Morals 4

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** One of my characters had this happen to her. Her name was Siannodel Faen'Tlabber, and she was the token drow in that particular group. Originally she was a ranger (tad obsessed with Drizzt back then), but I reworked her into a rogue when I came to college, several years after this escapade. Anyway, this happened shortly after she was incorporated into the first group.

Stories with Morals: Adventurer from Day One

Once upon a time there was a drow elf named Siannodel. She had been captured by cultists while running from demons and drow one night, after her husband's village was attacked and she recognized the dark elves' insignias as that of her family. The cultists, members of the Cult of the Dragon, had knocked her out and hogtied both her and her wolf companion, Abbil, before dragging her into the ruins of Myth Drannor. She was supposed to be given to the Pool of Radiance, but a group of strangers freed her before it came to that. Now, usually this is the point where she joins up with the party and aids them in fighting their way out of the city. But in this case there was a slight problem.

Siannodel was in the last days of pregnancy. Her husband, Aramil Moonshade, had urged her to run and protect this child while he looked after its two elder siblings. The cultists had been careful to preserve the pregnancy during her capture and time in the dungeon, as an innocent child such as this would be an especially sweet sacrifice. Siannodel could still defend herself and was particularly skilled with the bow, but it was decided that she should be taken to the Shrine of Mystra immediately just in case.

The party could only reach the shrine with a teleportation circle elsewhere in the dungeon, so they had to walk to it. During the second session of Siannodel's presence within the party, the DM decided to begin rolling save vs. labor.

The Dice Gods played fair until the third session, when the party was attacked by cultists. The DM decided to have her roll in the middle of the fight, and she failed the save. So while the party was fighting off blood-crazed dragon cultists, the drow was suddenly hit by terrible pain and stunned for a round. The party continued to fight and when she was able to act again, Siannodel put her back to a wall and used it to support her while she continued to shoot her longbow and fight the labor-pains. More cultists were attacking, trying to get through the bottleneck the doorway created, and at last Siannodel had to drop her bow and tend to herself. So dozens of bloody corpses were piling up in the doorway, blood was spilling everywhere, and on the other side of the room this drow female was giving birth. The cleric of Moradin finally was able to break away from combat and help her, as much as a dwarven defender can help a drow ranger, and the cultists redoubled their efforts when they realized what was going on.

The party at last slew them all, just in time to witness the child's birth. It was a girl, and they were all very surprised when they realized that it was fully elven. All were shocked when Siannodel explained that her husband was a moon elf. The cleric cast a healing spell upon her, and she was back on her feet a moment later, wrapping the child in her cloak and tying it so the infant was held tight to her body. The paladin and cleric insisted that she be taken to the shrine, but when they arrived at the teleportation circle they discovered that the magic had been dispelled, the portal destroyed.

Reluctantly, it was decided that Siannodel would have to accompany them until they found another portal elsewhere in Myth Drannor. However, this did not happen before they stumbled upon the Pool of Radiance and Pelendralaar. Through all of this, somehow, the baby remained unharmed and never once cried.

It was concluded that she was a born adventurer. Furthermore, the party had come to see her as their good luck charm, since the cultists and dragonkin and various monsters seemed to be landing hits less often after she was born. Even Kya Mordrayn and Pelendralaar did not do much damage to individual members of the group. Siannodel was invited to remain with the group, much to her surprise. She agreed when they pointed out that she was running anyway, and would survive longer with people to watch her back.

_Thus tip number 47: _If you did not heed that warning and your character is dungeon-crawling while in the last weeks of pregnancy, start hoping the DM does not make you roll a Save vs. Labor.


	6. Stories with Morals 5

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** My father's first D&D game. That about sums this chapter up.

Stories with Morals: What an Introduction!

In the long-ago days of yore, the world of Oerth was suddenly gifted with the presence of a paladin. This paladin was named Sir Alaric, and though of relatively little experience in the ways of adventuring he compensated with an overabundancy of zealous faith and single-minded determination. Handsome and golden-haired, with bright blue eyes that caused ladies to swoon, he strode along in shining silver plate, carrying an ancient two-handed sword inherited from his noble family. He was set on righting wrongs and smiting evil wherever it may lurk, all in the name of his god.

It was with this attitude that he joined with a motely group of adventurers, as inexperienced as himself. They set off for a nearby dungeon with high hopes and a hearty thirst for gold and danger. Sir Alaric's eyes gleamed with the thrill of his first adventure, dreams of future deeds filling his head. He insisted he be the first to enter the dungeon, since he was the best-protected and the best swordman of them all.

He took one step into the dungeon...

...and promptly died.

A trapdoor opened beneath his foot, sending him falling into a pit of razor-sharp spikes. The party, unsettled by their mighty paladin's sudden death, backed out of the dungeon and returned to their village with doubt clouding their hearts. A week after Sir Alaric's death, he was replaced by a grey elven cleric named Lee and the party returned to the dungeon, this time sending the thief ahead first to check for traps. Several months later, Sir Alaric was unexpectedly resurrected and rejoined the party, fighting beside Lee as their road led them to further adventures. But never again did Sir Alaric insist upon venturing into a dungeon before it was cleared of traps, and never again did his player lay such high hopes upon a single character before making sure they would survive more than a few sessions.

_Thus Tip Number 50: _It doesn't matter how awesome your character is and how much you like them; traps are indiscriminatory.


	7. Stories with Morals 6

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** One of my DMs actually encouraged us to speak in fantasy languages, either legitimate (such as Tolkien Elvish or Faerunian Elvish). The others... Well, you'll find out for yourself now, won't you? The little comment about Spanish is true as well, much to this particular character's misfortune.

Stories with Morals: Speaking in Tongues

Once upon a time there was a high elf named Allurielle Silvermoon. She greatly enjoyed the company of males, and took every opportunity available to tempt and seduce handsome young men. Rarely was the occasion when they refused her advances, given that she was devastatingly beautiful in addition to bold and seductive. This caused much amusement and eye-rolling among her player's friends, and much snickering and many accusations among her own companions. She and the rainbow-haired dwarven paladin butted heads quite often, with him exclaiming repeatedly that she should not expect him to heal her if ever she became wounded, and her retorting that he should not expect her to scratch his itch when he finally got one. Allurielle was, at one point, even gifted a ring that told her how many fertile, heterosexual men where in a thirty-foot radius. In a sultry, seductive purr in her head, no less.

But Allurielle's fame did not come from her legendary love of men. Her fame came from her habit of slipping words and phrases from her native tongue into everyday conversation. This habit thoroughly annoyed the DMs running the campaign, because they could never quite recall what the specific words meant, even if they were used several times in the same session.

One morning, Allurielle woke up and found that her fingers were clumsier than before, less adept at coaxing the tumblers of a stubborn lock into submission or gently dislodging the inner workings of a complicated trap. She also discovered that she was no longer as accurate with her bow, and could not climb so well or jump as high and far as she could before. The poor elf-woman felt decidedly weaker, less healthy as well. Whenever she spoke the language of her people, the following morning she would wake up under similar circumstances, weaker and less skilled than before.

She finally broke herself of her unfortunate habit, and the following evening convinced a cleric to cast Remove Curse on her in exchange for a quick roll in the hay. She regained her former strength, health, and her fingers became as quick and nimble as before. Allurielle's player likewise held her tongue, muttering Elvish phrases beneath her breath whenever she found something distasteful, but always only when the DMs were out of earshot.

_Hence Tip Number 135:_ Unless you know you can get away with it, never speak in a language the DM cannot understand. This applies not only to fantasy languages, but also to languages from this world as well. Not everybody can speak Spanish, you know.


	8. Stories with Morals 7

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** This happened just this weekend. There's not much else I can say about it right now. The Spears are unique to this particular D&D world, and not my creation. I'm not blabbing about them, other than saying they are a very cool original prestige class.

Stories with Morals 7: Gods and Mortals

Once there was a high elf named Kionalil eda Deistrani. She was the bastard daughter of a noble elven family, the result of her mother's affair with a traveling Spear of Kambior. This Spear, as it turned out, was the most powerful Spear in the entire world, more than three thousand years old (which she and her companions discovered when they took a trip through into the past, quite unexpectedly) and carrying Kambior's own spear as his weapon. Shortly after meeting her father, Kionalil had been given a charm bracelet hung with the symbols of the good gods of her continent. This charm bracelet, she discovered by accident, would summon gods to her presence. This knowledge was only given to her (her father did not share this knowledge with her himself, only told her that it would come in handy) when she threw one of the charms at a wizard who immediately thereafter killed them all with a spell. The goddess of death and partying resurrected them all and, standing there before them, asked her what she desired.

Shortly thereafter, Kionalil's eyes turned from bright emerald to gold, the favored color of that particular goddess. Though it is also one of the colors of Kambior, god of the dawn, so it is unclear who changed her eye color and why.

Soon after arriving in her home city, Kionalil's father accompanied her to her family's estate. Her mother was overjoyed to see him, but her husband challenged him to a duel. This resulted in a spellbattle, and Kionalil's father killed them both with the only offensive spell available to the Spears of Kambior: Flamestrike. Shortly thereafter, Kionalil noticed that her skin now carried a very soft, golden glow. Spears of Kambior glow brightly, but this was a fainter illumination and she was a rogue, not a Spear. After retrieving her father's spear and being told that it was the god's own weapon, she was told that it was possible her father would not stay dead for long, if he had carried that weapon. She resolved to carry the spear herself, but not use it, until they reached the High Temple of Kambior to the south, as it belonged with the Spears. Besides, it was the last thing she had of her father. She would not let go of it until she had to.

The following day, the city was suddenly attacked by an army of grey elves. Kionalil and her companions were able to get out of the house without incident, only to find themselves surrounded. Arrows and swords encircled them, herding them closer together. Kionalil wrapped her fingers more tightly about her father's spear and thought "Kambior help us."

With that, she blacked out. Her companions and the invaders were suddenly blinded by a glorious golden light, and those who retained the ability to see gaped in astonishment as black scalemail suddenly appeared on Kionalil's body and she began slaughtering the grey elves with ease. She lithely, almost lazily, dodged the arrows and blades that came her way, all the while wielding the spear with the skill of a master fighter, a skill that Kionalil herself did not possess. She blurred through the enemy elves, killing them before they could scream, too fast to be hit. Her companions stared, then left her to take care of the invaders while they went to see if her family could be rescued.

Inside her head, Kionalil came to and sensed that she was not alone in her body. To her astonishment, Kambior himself had possessed her and was using her body to drive the invaders from her home. The god chuckled at her shock and reminded her that she had asked him to help them. Stunned, she let him use her body as he would, watching the massacre through her own eyes.

When all of the invaders were either dead or had fled, Kambior came to a stop. Kionalil's body was covered with blood, but none of it was her own. Politely, meekly, she thanked him for his help and asked if she could have her body back now. Kambior smiled at her and she blacked out again.

She was consumed by pain when she awoke. It was as if every fiber of her being was tearing itself apart while burning, fast-moving waves of agony arcing through her body in merciless loops. Hypersensitive to sensation, the vibrations of her approaching friends' footsteps was nigh unbearable. Healing spells could not ease the pain; only unconsciousness proved a sanctuary from the agony.

It was soon explained to the startled group, when she revealed that Kambior had briefly possessed her, that gods move faster and use more strength than mortals. They draw on their vessels' energy reserves while filling them with their own, and push their bodies far beyond the limits of endurance. Kionalil was in such terrible pain simply because she had harbored a god. Whether her condition was permanent, or could be healed with high-level spells or time, nobody was sure. The pain eased a little as time passed, but every movement, every little jar and shift, sent her nerves back into overdrive. It took some very intense healing by the High Priest of the goddess of love and sex before her agony was ended and she was able to move on her own again.

_And the moral of the story is Tip Number 136: _Gods are pains. Sometimes literally.


	9. Stories with Morals 8

**Summary: **There are things every gamer should know. Unfortunately, the Player's Guide and Dungeon Master usually neglect to mention such things. Therefore, I have compiled these sensible tips for fellow players. Stories behind them shall follow. Rated for language.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Just a copy of the 3.5 Player's Manual, the Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting book, a bunch of old 2.0 rulebooks and suppliments, and a really big box of Dragon back-issues. I miss that magazine. Why, Wizards?! Why?!

**Queen's Quornor:** There is much insanity to be had when you take your PCs and put them somewhere totally different...

Stories with Morals: How to Mess with Your Players

Once upon a time, there was a group of adventurers. This particular motley congregation did not begin as such, however. They were all from different worlds entirely. Never met before in their lives.

Then, quite suddenly and without warning, they all found themselves in a long, circular corridor with seats on either side of the walls and another row of seats running down the middle, all of which were filled with extremely surprised humans.

Being quite shocked themselves, the adventurers all reacted in various ways. The elf and lumi both remained standing where they were, having failed their Spot checks. The remainder of the sudden companions, one of whom was a neurotic centaur, all succeeded in noticing a door with a strange handle against one of the walls. For some odd reason, the door would not open until the combined strength of the centaur and another PC were put into it.

When the door was opened, the four frantic travelers were met with a strong wind, sucking them outside. The centaur and one other immediately went out the door, and as the centaur possessed the ability to windwalk and the other person was able to haul himself onto his back, they did not go plummeting.

The other two who went out the door were not so lucky.

The elf and the lumi were approached by a young woman wearing a scarf over her hair and around her neck, who convinced them to sit down in two vacant seats and showed them how to secure themselves with a pair of straps around their waists. She also told them they were in an airplane, to which the confused pair replied "Do you mean the Plane of Air?"

The plane immediately began descending, and when the woman translated for them that they were landing in Israel and that it was an emergency, the lumi wondered how it was possible to land a Plane.

They were reunited with their new acquaintances several hours later, after some rather hesitant explanations from the young woman and the gift of two scarves to cover the elf's ears and the lumi's lack of a neck, and quickly discovered that the world they were in was populated only by humans. Shortly thereafter, they discovered that the humans did not have access to magic and had apparently abandoned the art of melee combat, but instead used strange projectiles fired from oddly-shaped metal objects (some of which could be carried around and others large enough for them to ride around in) that could punch straight through armor and cause more damage than sling-bullets or arrows despite their smaller size.

In the end, the confused band discovered that they were in that world in order to find a box. They could not walk away from the quest, because a few hours later they would reappear near the others. This also kept them from dying permanently; the geas was quite unlike any they had ever come across before.

Many other strange discoveries awaited, such as the discovery that these odd humans did not use coins for currency, and whatever they did use was of far less value than gold. They also did not use horses, but rather small metal carts that rolled around of their own accord. The adventurers were quite surprised later when they were stopped by a group of human adolescents waving a small black box that clicked and flashed when pressed. These youngsters asked if they were something known as 'LARPers', and marveled at their 'costumes'. When told that they were not wearing any costumes, they laughed and assured the group that they certainly looked authentic, especially the woman without the neck and the centaur.

All of this was experienced before they even knew what sort of box they were looking for.

_And the moral is... _

Tip 136: The DM has no better way to mess with the players' heads than to put them in our own world rather than a fantasy setting.

_Secondary moral_ (Tip 137)_: _If the DM enjoys hurling you into strange new places without letting you get there yourself, you will learn to really, _really _hate the phrase 'quite suddenly and without warning'.


End file.
